Brian Eckert is a graduate of the Johns Hopkins University Master’s of Liberal Arts program, where he completed his thesis project “God is Dead, Mr. Rosewater: Existentialist Ethics in Kurt Vonnegut’s Early Novel.” Currently, he is pursuing a Master’s of Fine Arts in Creative Writing at Naropa University. In the future, he hopes to complete a doctoral program and pursue a career in academia.
poetry
Just Cancer
Brian Eckert, Naropa University
It’s just cancer
— but it’s never just cancer
it’s the cancer
and
waiting for weeks
and
calling new doctors
and
calling them five times in three days
and
they still can’t schedule me
and
I still don’t know if I have cancer or not
and
I have to drive to Aurora
and
find and pay for and remember parking information
and
I fucking hate the city
and
(all cities, really)
and
giant-mega-complex hospital campuses
and
then, after my appointment, I have to teach a 30 minute lesson
and
it has to be part of a larger two and a half hour lesson plan
and
my campus employment status next semester is riding on this grade
and
on Friday, the next day, I have to get a new doctor to refill my Stratera
and
I have to be assertive because I need it
and
I have to grovel to avoid “Drug Seeking Behavior”
and
I just know what the fuck I need
and
I still don’t know if I have cancer
and
I guess that means I don’t need it
At this rate
I will have spent
more of my life dying
than the time I spent living
between depression and suicide
and the chemotherapy and cancer
I’ll spend more time in decline
than living level with death
while these nurses and doctors
ask to pray with me,
for me—
I rot in these rusted cot beds
getting pumped full of saline
and more and more poison.
Concrete pots full of trees
Plastic shovels cutting wood
Flower stem spear of acid
Marking birch bark glyphs
Love forking water bricks path
Full lamplight fencing minds poison
Excavate sewage wells of science
Pure unadulterated theatre buffet
Frozen stone sundial pendulum
Maple ribbons drip splatters grease
Blue pine lamps drifting shift bike
Stamp braiding babble
Aluminum ornaments shrubbery
Gnarled krummholz knobs
Scent stops
Light binds
Cold vacates
Sharp dressed veins
Spurt pains growth abundant
Shots backfiring shattering vision
Visual decay ascends
Threshold heats exhaust
Crumbling infractions
Release beginning
Anew
Yerba mate
Big tea
Tortilla chips
Hot chips
Other chips
La croix
Special K
Belvita
Granola bars
Nature valley
Applesauce
Rice
Bay leaves
Garlic powder
Chocolate Chips
Pancake mix
One chicken
Four yogurt
Half gallon milk
Juices
Kleenex
Baby powder
Lotion
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